WARNING: CONTENT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR OLD PEOPLE

We here in Mount Vernon are fortunate to have so many landmarks in our midst.  The Mount Vernon Estate, Grist Mill Park, Woodlawn Plantation, Gunston Hall.  Everywhere you turn there is another reminder of our rich history.  But there is another landmark that does not get the recognition it deserves.  I am talking, of course, about MVC Late Night DVD — our local porn shop.   

There, I said it.  And the telephone lines are burning up already.  Calls for my resignation are flooding the Patch offices – wherever those offices are.  But, c’mon folks, chill out and be honest.  We all know the building well.  It sits out there on Richmond Highway, all by its lonesome, proudly strutting its stuff.  Indeed, most of us know that building if only because we’re always sneaking a peek at it to see if our neighbor’s car is parked out front.  Worse yet – our spouse’s car! (As if someone would be that stupid and park out front, in essence saying  “Hey, friends, look at me – I’m checking out the porn!”) 

MVC has been there for at least 20 years, which is really amazing when you think about it. I mean, where the heck is our local right wing Christian group?  Why aren’t they out there, stirring things up in the community like Professor Harold Hill in “The Music Man?” It would be a great cause celebre for those folks, wouldn’t it?  I am also surprised that, with the advent of the Internet (I’m told there is porn on the Internet), the demand for porno DVDs has not petered out.      

Anyway, before I wrote about this establishment, I thought I should take the bull by the horns and actually get some facts. So, I grew a beard, got my “Men in Black” sunglasses, donned my Matrix black trench coat, my “Sting 2004 Tour” floppy hat and made my way to this historical landmark. Oh, yeah, I may have had ten glasses of scotch just to drum up some courage. 

I parked my car way in the back and put a canvas cover over it. Sweating palpably, I made for the front door. The first thing I noticed was a new sign announcing that this was actually a “Couples Boutique,” which didn’t make me feel any more comfortable. I slowly opened the door…

(Two hours, a trip to the confessional and one shower later.)

Well, to be honest, it really wasn’t what I expected. As I walked in, I found myself in the lingerie section, which actually took up more than half of the establishment. There were lots of outfits for your average, movie star-ish 20 year-old, the kind of ensembles that would make Lady Gaga blush. It was much like Victoria Secret but without the credibility.      

As I made my way around, I soon found myself in the “Toy Section.” No, I am not talking about Buzz Lightyear wind-up toys but the kind of toys designed specifically for “couples looking for adventure.” I thought of buying one for reference material but was concerned that I wouldn’t have enough air in my lungs to blow it up. I then ambled over to the “Lotions” section which were clearly not to be confused with any Ponds or Lubriderm product that miraculously washes away those nasty old wrinkles.

Finally, being the award-winning journalist that I am, I felt it was time to amble on over to the DVD section. With my eyes half closed, I slowly made the trek.  Sweating palpably, I took out my portable blood pressure machine which had a reading of 210/140.  Fortunately, my chart said that that reading was average for “any slobs looking at porn.” Having gotten enough material for my column, I did a fast U-turn and, after a brief foray through the “Games” section, I dashed out into the bright sunlight. When someone from a passing car yelled out “Hey Ron!” I sighed and politely waved.      

When my wife came home that night and asked me how my day was, I replied “Oh, nothing too exciting, just did some research.”