The Beginning of an Era...Or Maybe Not
Introducing Patch's newest columnist.
My first official column for Patch! Or maybe it’s a blog. I still don’t know the difference.
Although I haven’t met any of them in person yet, I am very excited to be part of the Patch team. Indeed, I can’t wait for the first cyber birthday party for one of my fellow Patchers. But I’m also excited because I love to write, I love to opine and I already have visions of accepting the Pulitzer in Sweden or Norway or one of those countries with the fjords. So, when the offer to do a column or a blog came, I immediately agreed to join Patch.
Okay, then. Let’s start!
Uh, okay...can someone help me out here? How exactly do I start?
Am I supposed to first introduce myself so future pieces will have some context? Should I tell you stories about my abusive mother? Are you interested in knowing that every time Paul McCartney changed his hair style, I did the same thing with mine? Perhaps you want to hear about my dream to become a professional baseball player, my anti-Vietnam war activity, my years working for Supervisor Gerry Hyland, how Washingtonian magazine named me one of the “Top 50 Hired Guns” on Capitol Hill in 1994, my years representing abortion doctors (several of whom were killed), my verbal altercation on a Manhattan street with Paul Newman and my total hatred of olives and the Red Sox.
Yeah, I agree. Boring!
Indeed, I was just handed a report showing that I have already lost half my readership. I am now down to three people, but I’m sure my sister and two sons will hang in there for a while (my wife, Meg, jumped ship about 20 minutes ago).
Or perhaps I should just jump in and talk about why Mount Vernon can’t get at least ONE new cell phone tower, how crosswalks might actually be dangerous to pedestrians, how we all would give up our first born child for a new book store and why it should be legal to shoot the tires of someone who is going under the speed limit in the fast lane on the Beltway.
My word count says I’m close to my very strict 400 word limit, so I’ll take a minute to talk about that new Costco that is going up at…