The other day I was waiting for my prescription at the Engleside Plaza CVS when I noticed on the shelf a new product called MANLYMAN*, some kind of a Viagra copy-cat…
*MANLYMAN is not necessary for men who not just chew but actually swallow chewing tobacco, did not film their baby as it was coming out of that women’s place and instead watched the Redskins game in the hospital lounge, who swim in the Potomac, who regularly scratch themselves in public, don’t wash their hands after urinating but instead run the water in case someone is listening, don’t care if someone finds them staring at the hot women at the Mount Vernon Athletic Club, have hairy backs, smell their athletic socks to determine if they are wearable that day, like to hang out at the Mount Vernon Pawn Shop, love watching the WWF and know it is real, never floss, do not eat vegetables unless they are marinated in some great gooey sauce, think anniversaries are a crock but cover their butt buy getting a present anyway, eat breakfast at the Old Country Buffet, don’t think women have anything useful to say, secretly can’t wait for the day when that the dog that needs a walk every night finally dies, change their underwear once every three days (except on the weekends which don’t count as days), think book clubs should be illegal, sleep with their gun under their pillow, cannot watch one minute of The View, would never get that pedicure where the little fishes eat your dead skin, think Chuck Norris is God, never look at the guy next to them at the urinal because if the other guy catches you he might think you are gay.
If, however, you are allowed to take MANLYMAN, call your doctor immediately if: your hair starts to bleed, you find yourself not looking at that picture of Scarlett Johansson on the cover of Playboy and instead pick up Cosmo, you go to the Mount Vernon Concert Series to listen to folk music, you start reading “Jane Eyre,” you establish a garden plot at Grist Mill Park, you stop surfing with your remote because you couldn’t get past “What Not to Wear,” you miss “Glee,” you buy a lanyard for those $2.50 reading glasses from CVS, you actually sneeze into the crook of your elbow, you volunteer to shelve books at the Sherwood Regional Library, you spend your Saturday at T.J. Maxx looking for new ties and Dockers and you ask your wife how her day was and actually listen.
