.

Mount Vernon After Dark

An insider's look at MVC Late Night DVD.

WARNING: CONTENT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR OLD PEOPLE

We here in Mount Vernon are fortunate to have so many landmarks in our midst.  The Mount Vernon Estate, Grist Mill Park, Woodlawn Plantation, Gunston Hall.  Everywhere you turn there is another reminder of our rich history.  But there is another landmark that does not get the recognition it deserves.  I am talking, of course, about MVC Late Night DVD — our local porn shop.   

There, I said it.  And the telephone lines are burning up already.  Calls for my resignation are flooding the Patch offices – wherever those offices are.  But, c’mon folks, chill out and be honest.  We all know the building well.  It sits out there on Richmond Highway, all by its lonesome, proudly strutting its stuff.  Indeed, most of us know that building if only because we’re always sneaking a peek at it to see if our neighbor’s car is parked out front.  Worse yet – our spouse’s car! (As if someone would be that stupid and park out front, in essence saying  “Hey, friends, look at me – I’m checking out the porn!”) 

MVC has been there for at least 20 years, which is really amazing when you think about it. I mean, where the heck is our local right wing Christian group?  Why aren’t they out there, stirring things up in the community like Professor Harold Hill in “The Music Man?” It would be a great cause celebre for those folks, wouldn’t it?  I am also surprised that, with the advent of the Internet (I’m told there is porn on the Internet), the demand for porno DVDs has not petered out.      

Anyway, before I wrote about this establishment, I thought I should take the bull by the horns and actually get some facts. So, I grew a beard, got my “Men in Black” sunglasses, donned my Matrix black trench coat, my “Sting 2004 Tour” floppy hat and made my way to this historical landmark. Oh, yeah, I may have had ten glasses of scotch just to drum up some courage. 

I parked my car way in the back and put a canvas cover over it. Sweating palpably, I made for the front door. The first thing I noticed was a new sign announcing that this was actually a “Couples Boutique,” which didn’t make me feel any more comfortable. I slowly opened the door…

(Two hours, a trip to the confessional and one shower later.)

Well, to be honest, it really wasn’t what I expected. As I walked in, I found myself in the lingerie section, which actually took up more than half of the establishment. There were lots of outfits for your average, movie star-ish 20 year-old, the kind of ensembles that would make Lady Gaga blush. It was much like Victoria Secret but without the credibility.      

As I made my way around, I soon found myself in the “Toy Section.” No, I am not talking about Buzz Lightyear wind-up toys but the kind of toys designed specifically for “couples looking for adventure.” I thought of buying one for reference material but was concerned that I wouldn’t have enough air in my lungs to blow it up. I then ambled over to the “Lotions” section which were clearly not to be confused with any Ponds or Lubriderm product that miraculously washes away those nasty old wrinkles.

Finally, being the award-winning journalist that I am, I felt it was time to amble on over to the DVD section. With my eyes half closed, I slowly made the trek.  Sweating palpably, I took out my portable blood pressure machine which had a reading of 210/140.  Fortunately, my chart said that that reading was average for “any slobs looking at porn.” Having gotten enough material for my column, I did a fast U-turn and, after a brief foray through the “Games” section, I dashed out into the bright sunlight. When someone from a passing car yelled out “Hey Ron!” I sighed and politely waved.      

When my wife came home that night and asked me how my day was, I replied “Oh, nothing too exciting, just did some research.” 

DAVE May 08, 2012 at 04:15 PM
Ron, why not just slather yourself in honey (if you're into that kind of thing) and roll on a wasp nest? I've been in MVC a few times and must say I am always impressed with what some sick perverted mind can come up with.
DAVE May 09, 2012 at 11:17 AM
Sounds like someone needs some MVC time!
Amanda M. Socci, Freelance Writer May 09, 2012 at 11:18 AM
Ron: I'm not quite sure why the two previous commentors posted negatively about your article. I never laughed so hard! I thoroughly enjoyed your description and felt your "palpable sweat" as keenly as if I had seen it right in front of my eyes. This is really good writing. You should be proud of yourself to have written about this experience in a vivid, charismatic manner. Great job.
chris wilkens May 09, 2012 at 12:31 PM
I loved this article..not only for its' humor but also for the content. There is a place in this world for Porn shops. If you don't like them don't go in them...but do not judge someone who does! And don't think they are just for the dirty old men and perverts!
Ron Fitzsimmons May 09, 2012 at 01:13 PM
Not embarassed at all, Beth. But I'll be you read the whole piece, right?
Ron Fitzsimmons May 09, 2012 at 01:14 PM
Thanks, Amanda! Coming from a "freelance writer", that's a nice compliment. What kind of stuff do you write?
Ron Fitzsimmons May 09, 2012 at 01:16 PM
Thanks, Chris. The interesting thing is that there is a "porn" shop in Old Town Alexandria, but it's a much different presentation. It's right in the heart of the tourist section, the doors are open and you see all kinds of folks in there. Yesterday, I thought I saw Mitt Romney in there....
Greg Crider May 09, 2012 at 07:12 PM
Hey, Ron. I think I saw Joe Biden go in there right after you saw Mitt Romney. A well written and "laugh-out-loud" piece. Can't wait to see what your next "research" project will be.
Pat May 09, 2012 at 11:03 PM
I'm confused. What journalism award did you win?
STEPHEN May 10, 2012 at 01:19 PM
I REALLY ENJOYED YOUR ARTICLE ON THE ADULT MOVIE STORE. WELL WRITTEN AND VERY INFORMATIVE. THE BUSINESS HAS BEEN THERE FOR A LONG TIME AND MUST DO A GOOD AMOUNT OF SALES TO STILL CONTINUE TO REMAIN IN PLACE.
Ron Fitzsimmons May 11, 2012 at 07:59 PM
Uh, Pat, I kinda forgot the name of that award....I just cashed the $10,000 check that came with it....
Kari Warren May 12, 2012 at 04:57 AM
Mr. Rea, you are probably as confused as I was when you purported to be an expert on business taxes. While the rest of us can read this article and chuckle at the tongue in cheek tone it was intended, I am still confused by your pretense from several years ago at understanding what a transfer tax is and your bullying tone about it. So, stay confused. Sometimes that a place we all need to be in. Ron, funny article!
Keith Whited May 13, 2012 at 06:09 PM
Good article, Ron!! Made me chuckle allthe way over here in Romania.
Ron Fitzsimmons May 13, 2012 at 06:41 PM
Thanks, Keith. Do they have porn shops over there??
Ron Fitzsimmons May 14, 2012 at 05:55 PM
C'mon, Beth, lighten up! Put a little fun into your life. Actually, you may not know this but sex can actually be fun!!
Ron Fitzsimmons May 15, 2012 at 11:53 AM
As a matter of fact, Beth, today is my 30th anniversary with my "lady." I have no doubt that folks find you funny because every time you post something I have to at least chuckle. Also, I find it interesting that you are hiding, that you do not reveal your full name like everyone else. Indeed, Beth is probably not your real first name. C'mon, tell us your real name so we can give you credit for being such a hilarious person.
Ron Fitzsimmons May 15, 2012 at 07:48 PM
"Beth", why would you put a parenthesis around the word "sense" up above? Please enlighten me.

Boards

More »
Got a question? Something on your mind? Talk to your community, directly.
Note Article
Just a short thought to get the word out quickly about anything in your neighborhood.
Share something with your neighbors.What's on your mind?What's on your mind?Make an announcement, speak your mind, or sell somethingPost something
See more »