Not That There's Anything Wrong with That

The secret service agent poked his head into the Oval Office.

“Excuse me, Mr. President, but the Vice President is here to see you,” said the agent.

The President looked up and put down his autographed copy of “The Audacity of Hope,” clearly upset at being interrupted.       

“What the hell does he want? I thought we sent him to that state funeral in Bosnia for the month?” said the President. 

“Well, Mr. President, after he got there we learned that the Prime Minister hadn’t actually died, so we had to bring the VP back.”  

“Oh well, send him in.  And take off that ‘I Wasn’t In Cartegena’ button.” 

The VP walked in sheepishly.“Hey, Chief, thanks for seeing me. Isn’t that great news about the Prime Minister of Bosnia? Uh, anyway, I need to tell you something. I was just on some television show, I can’t keep them straight anymore, and during the interview I kinda admitted that I was comfortable with same sex marriage.”

The President’s jaw dropped.

“Now, don’t panic yet, Chief, it’s possible no one was watching and this whole thing will just quietly disappear.”  At this point, the Veep’s hands were covering his crotch. 

“For gosh sakes, Joe, why would you say something like that?  Now, I’m gonna have to respond even though my position on this issue has been evolving for years.  In fact, our secret plan was to let it keep evolving until after the election.”    

“Well, Mr. President, I’m sorry but when they ask me questions like that, I just can’t resist telling the truth. I know that is wrong but…”

“All right, here’s how we’re gonna play this. We’ll set up an interview with someone on television who pretends to be a reporter, someone like Al Sharpton or Robin Roberts. Then I’ll tell them that my evolution on this issue is complete and I now personally support same sex marriage. I’ll blame my position on my two daughters who kept bragging about how some of their schoolmates have very cool gay parents.” 

“That’s a great strategy Chief,” said Biden, his tongue hanging down like a lap dog.

“So, that will get the gays off my butt but I gotta think about those independents out there, so here’s what we’ll do. I’ll say that while I’m personally in favor of gays getting married, I believe the legal issues should still be left up to the states. You know, it’s like when a pro-choice politician says that it’s okay for others to have abortions but they are personally opposed to them. It’s just a way to toss a bone to the anti-abortion folks. So, in this case the gay groups will think I’m great cause I’d be the first President to come down on their side but the beauty is that there’s nothing substantive I could do about it.  I mean, at this point 41 states have passed bans on gay marriage, what the hell can I do anyway?  Then, after this all shakes out, we’ll put the squeeze on those rich gay folks in Hollywood who would love to spend some big bucks at a fundraiser at George Clooney’s or Cher’s house.”

“This is brilliant, Mr. President!  I’m glad I could help,” says the Veep.     

“Okay, that’s the plan. Meanwhile, Joe, go tell them to gas up Air Force 5. You leave in an hour. We’re sending you to Akbanistan until November, just in case their President dies.”